Saturday, November 22, 2014

letting go

About six weeks ago, I was on a work trip and landed in the ER due to some severe pain I was experiencing. That night, I found out that I had a tumor the size of a softball sitting on my left ovary, and that's why I was in so much pain. The ER doctor said to follow up with my doctor at home, but that surgery was the fix. He said from what he could see, everything was benign - praise the Lord!

After wrapping up three more events, including my biggest one of the year last weekend, I had surgery on Monday. I honestly struggled with a lot of anxiety over this upcoming surgery over the last few weeks. When I saw my doctor in Nashville, she told me that in addition to removing the tumor, they were going to have to remove my left ovary. Not what I wanted to hear. In that moment, my first response was, "Are you kidding me?? I'm 30 and single, but I want to be a wife and a mom. You're going to take out half of my chances of getting pregnant someday??"

I got in my car and bawled like a baby, but the Lord spoke so tenderly to my heart in that moment and gave me this reminder: "Mary Margaret, do you think this caught me by surprise?"

No, it didn't.

It's easy to say that He's sovereign, but when life happens and things don't go the way we expected them to, we have to live it out. What would be the point of faith if it wasn't ever tested?

There are a number of things in my life right now that are totally outside of my control. My flesh wants to try to grasp ahold of anything I can to try and get some control back, but I've just had to let go. I'm good at holding myself together and being strong until I just hit the wall where I can't do it anymore. I hit the wall on a few things this week, and while it's hard, it's such a relief to let go and allow God to do the part that only He can do.

It's hard to be vulnerable, but it's a part of really living in community with one another. It's easier to say that everything's okay and that I'm doing fine, but it's not the truth. It means giving up control and allowing other people to see me when I'm hurting and in a raw place, which is hard. I'd much rather have people see me handling things well and being strong, but who is that helping?

All that to say, I trust the Lord more than I trust myself. Through all of this, he's doing a new work in me. It's not easy, and often not fun, but I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one day at a time.
"Remember not the former things, not consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19