Saturday, November 22, 2014

letting go

About six weeks ago, I was on a work trip and landed in the ER due to some severe pain I was experiencing. That night, I found out that I had a tumor the size of a softball sitting on my left ovary, and that's why I was in so much pain. The ER doctor said to follow up with my doctor at home, but that surgery was the fix. He said from what he could see, everything was benign - praise the Lord!

After wrapping up three more events, including my biggest one of the year last weekend, I had surgery on Monday. I honestly struggled with a lot of anxiety over this upcoming surgery over the last few weeks. When I saw my doctor in Nashville, she told me that in addition to removing the tumor, they were going to have to remove my left ovary. Not what I wanted to hear. In that moment, my first response was, "Are you kidding me?? I'm 30 and single, but I want to be a wife and a mom. You're going to take out half of my chances of getting pregnant someday??"

I got in my car and bawled like a baby, but the Lord spoke so tenderly to my heart in that moment and gave me this reminder: "Mary Margaret, do you think this caught me by surprise?"

No, it didn't.

It's easy to say that He's sovereign, but when life happens and things don't go the way we expected them to, we have to live it out. What would be the point of faith if it wasn't ever tested?

There are a number of things in my life right now that are totally outside of my control. My flesh wants to try to grasp ahold of anything I can to try and get some control back, but I've just had to let go. I'm good at holding myself together and being strong until I just hit the wall where I can't do it anymore. I hit the wall on a few things this week, and while it's hard, it's such a relief to let go and allow God to do the part that only He can do.

It's hard to be vulnerable, but it's a part of really living in community with one another. It's easier to say that everything's okay and that I'm doing fine, but it's not the truth. It means giving up control and allowing other people to see me when I'm hurting and in a raw place, which is hard. I'd much rather have people see me handling things well and being strong, but who is that helping?

All that to say, I trust the Lord more than I trust myself. Through all of this, he's doing a new work in me. It's not easy, and often not fun, but I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one day at a time.
"Remember not the former things, not consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

3 comments:

Sherri dudley said...

Praying for you!! and such vulnerability is such a beautiful thing. Thank you for your courage and for your heart to share and may we be the people who not only embrace being real, but learn to enjoy the journey and be there for one another. Life is busy, never to busy for loving others and doing life together!

Jan Hamilton said...

Mary Margaret I am so proud of your strength and courage and most of all your incredible strength in God. You demonstrate your fear, your sense of loss, your loss of control, ie your vulnerability in your writing. It takes courage to do that. You are so right, our faith gets tested at times in or life and those are the times we need Him to help carry us through, and He does and He will continue to. Thank you for sharing. Love to you.

Judi Jackson said...

I've only known you for a small portion of "the story of your life" but, during that time, I've been privy to watching God show up and show off in your life in some amazing ways. Now, this time IS different but I think it's okay to bank on God to take the reins and lead you right smack dab into His protective and sovereign plan! Praying for you as you process the present to prepare for the future. Love you, sweet friend!